“Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.”
Anonymous
In Part 1 of “What’s Draining You” I wrote about dealing with things and situations that drain your energy. This article will provide you with strategies to effectively deal with people who deplete you mentally and emotionally.
Whether you are a barn manager who is fed up with difficult, boarders, or you are a horse owner who cannot find time to ride due to the demands of family and friends, you will likely benefit from some of the strategies listed below. As I mentioned in Part 1, identifying and effectively dealing with those things that drain you are often the first steps toward creating a more balanced and fulfilling life.
In general, whenever you are feeling drained by someone else, it is probably because you have not established healthy or effective boundaries. Boundaries are the walls you create around yourself by the limits that you set: limits around who you let into your life, and limits around the activities that take up your time and your attention. Having good boundaries means you don’t waste anything on what’s not good for you, including people and activities. When you have tight and strong boundaries you attract healthy people. When your boundaries are weak, you attract people who use up your energy.
Practical tips for establishing healthy boundaries:
• Practice open and honest communication.
• Be willing to have difficult or courageous conversations.
• Be assertive. Assertive does not mean aggressive. The definition of assertive is “to affirm positively or declare with assurance.” When you are assertive, you are confident and respectful of others. You speak effectively and listen fully.
• Be precise.
• Say what you are not saying. This works especially well in times of high emotion. You may want to begin your conversation by saying something such as, ” I am not asking that you move your horse to another barn, I am asking that you respect the rules that I have set forth for boarders in my barn.”
• Speak from your heart. When you speak from your heart, others sense your sincerity and the intensity of your feelings.
• Get past the fear of others’ reactions (anger, rejection, sadness, vindictiveness). You have no control over how other people react to what you say or do.
• Practice saying “no”. Whenever you say “yes” when you feel that you should say “no,” you are letting someone or something invade your boundaries. Remember that you have a choice. Exercise your right to choose.
Having difficulty determining your boundaries? Reflect on your values and your intuition for a moment. Your values and intuition should act like a compass, steering you toward the best decision. For instance, let’s say that your riding instructor has instructed you to spend a certain amount of time riding each week, yet this leaves you with very little time with your family. You feel torn because you strongly value the time you spend with your spouse and children. How can your values and your intuition guide your decision as to how much time you spend riding?
What to do when someone has violated your boundaries:
• Inform the other person that what they are doing or requesting is not acceptable to you.
• Request that they stop and invite them to figure out alternatives to get their needs met.
• Demand that they stop if they still persist. Use the word “demand.”
• Terminate or put limits on the relationship if the boundary violation continues.
Finally, once you have established strong boundaries, be sure to enforce them. This will increase your credibility with others and prevent ongoing problems.
Copyright – Kelleen Simons, 2004, all rights reserved.
